Goodday Nigerians. 
I am your beloved S.A and I come with good tidings.
I have been sent to deliver 
Great news from our ever dedicated leadership,
And the works they have done in the past season. 
News from an era when penury breeds in abundance,
The putrid seeds of sin have begun to bear saplings of righteous consequence. 
An era when laughter is rare
And slaughter, irrigates the exquisite selection
Of the villa’s fauna 
Slowly seeping through 
To wet the tongues of faceless monsters. 
They in return praise our perpetual malfeasance 
And bestow titles befitting the dukes of scourge and carnage. 
Titles we’ve proudly adorned
Excitedly spinning the flywheel of immolation faster.

We have proven
Through sheer force of will and an absence of virtue 
That the banal urges of self preservation 
Overshadow any semblance of humanitarian responsibility.
That notwithstanding the overflow of human 
And natural resource, we as a collective
Are utterly overcome by greed 
That the idea of a nationalist spirit 
Is at best, considered with the undertone of scornful disgust
Or worse, neurotic antagonism.
Yes, we have laid the groundwork
For an intrinsic disregard for truth, order,
Justice and equity. 
Culminating this patchwork of vices
Into a vibrant Isiarigada
Fit for Newton's Leviathan 
Charged with the illustrious task
Of damning your children. 
Fortunately ours are well outside its reach.  

You, my countrymen, are living witness
To the great potential of our beloved nation
And the ease at which aristocrats pluck its coffers
You may even ask “why?”
But I encourage you brothers and sisters, 
To instead ask 
“Why not?”
For how shall a leader perform?
To the best of his ability? 
Without unfettered access? 
To the material manifestations of his mandate?
Our transparent approach to governance emphasises 
The importance of our role, 
In squandering the nation's reserves for our very own enjoyment. 
A responsibility 
We do not take lightly. 
We have eagerly undertaken 
In the convoluted attack on your agency 
And the suffocation of your dreams. 
Our collective administration 
Will continue to direct the public's intelligence
And its integrity
Through machinations of our own sadistic design. 

Fellow Nigerians
In furtherance of our antinationalist ideals 
We urge you
To remain of high spirits
And unnaturally miraculous expectations
Across the country 
We have engaged in performative campaigns 
For the continued support of our administration
Fortifying our farming class 
With imported rice
And local made IEDs
To ensure the continued threat
To their survival
And ultimately, 
The nation's economic decline.
This is our one Nation,
The leadership of our country
Is working tirelessly, 
Propagating its agenda 
Through jarring scandal 
Across every economically measurable metric.

We promise
As God is our witness 
To bestow upon your welcoming backs, 
Lashes of a tragic economic and cultural decay, 
As reward for your continued indiscretion. 
With your support,
We maintain
That the dreams of heroes past 
Remain intangible figments 
Of a doctored imagination
And that the elitist status quo
Be upheld for our singular benefit. 

Nigeria is our home, 
Now and forever. 
And we shall remain with you, 
Periodically eloping in grandiose style 
To enjoy the spoils of our position, 
One nation
Under God. 
Good morning.

For months I’ve been itching to do some sort of social commentary, turns out a historical account of Nigeria’s early years was material enough to “get me in the mood”.

I spent the past lonesome month reading ‘Soldiers of Fortune’ and while I am conflicted, I’ve come to a strange conclusion; Nigeria simply does not exist … There’s an idea of a country called Nigeria, but the nation of cohesive compatible people does not exist. After Max Siollun’s book I tried to answer “why we are the way we are?”, at least in the context of our horrid relationship with leadership.

Picture the very early 20th century West African savanna, breezy harmattan winds and dry heat slap the green landscape. A white one-story-cottage stands out against the tropics of present day Akwa Ibom like a hurt toe. With the stroke of an ink pen on rag paper, some moustached British guy Taubman Goldie (of The Royal Niger Company) sells off “Nigeria”, to the British government. A very silicon valley type arrangement, but it’s Brits in the late 1890’s. Crumpets, tea and insane levels of disconnected greed. At the time, the 950,000 sq kilometer expanse housed any number of warring empires; the Benin, Sokoto, Oyo, Bornu, Nri and Aro being the most prominent. Hold unto this idea of warring empires.

A decade later, after considerable whittling down via rosaries or gatling guns, these handful of uniquely belligerent empires are further consummated into 3, and then 1 “Nigeria”. The marriage, naturally unhappy, is one of administrative convenience. The colonial business is making such a killing in international trade that shipping all that wealth back up the Atlantic has become an accounting nightmare (apparently Palm Oil is the ultimate chrome lube). This is not their first time either, Britain’s been purchasing “savage lands” since the 16th century. It’s the common trade of the era; big guns take little/no guns.

A semicentury later, oil is discovered, independence is sought for, granted and the rest is history. The warring empires had birthed a growing population of some of the most vocal political progressives the country has come to know; Balewa, Azikiwe, Awolowo, Enahoro, Achebe, Kuti, Kokori, Rewane … They put differences aside and devoted resource toward a struggle for freedom that eventually paid off, give or take a few terms and conditions. Nothing compared to the euphoria of finally holding the reigns of their own destiny. Sadly though, like every Shakespearean play, that victory was short lived as unresolved issues festered into internal wounds they didn’t even know of to fix. Questionable leadership fueled ethnic/religious bias, that eventually created the perfect storm for indiscriminate apathy and greed. Abracadabrawahala, here we are. And the people?

I’m no political expert but here’s my case; there’s a few preconditions for lasting national prosperity. Most important of all is a shared identity and values that are tangible in the nation’s agenda. On the individual level “Nigerians” had none of these things, and as a result the moment “Nigerians” became leaders of this country, the precolonial structure installed by the British crumbled away and self preservation took its place. “Nigeria” was not yet tangible in the minds of its common people and the idea of being “Nigerian first” was ridiculous and quickly shoved to the background. The first coup had the effect of reigniting latent ethnic bias to be expected of a young peoples, many of who had parents with vivid memories of a time they were just Yoruba, or Igbo or Hausa or Edo, Kanuri, Urhobo or Fulani. With no unifying national identity or grasp of the urgency of the impending situation, the people gave into the tendencies of ethnic/religious bigotry being used as the pretext to leadership. Nevermind that they happily interacted with each other daily through trade, migration and marriage. Before long, the civil war happened, fracturing an already fragile Nigerian people even more.

Interestingly Siollun highlights the theory that none of Nigeria’s coups were particularly ideological, at least not in the sense of Marxism. Political yes, but very much inspired by greed. The ethnic/religious angle was just the perfect vehicle for support in the tussle for control, and it continues to be. The resulting 1984 - 1993 regime is proof that it works. The regime’s consolidated influence on Nigeria’s leadership from inception to date is proof that it works. The divide and conquer playbook used in contemporary Nigerian politics is proof that it works! Very slowly and all at once the administration pushed its people and expanded to fill up the space through fear and blatant disregard for rule of law. Opposition, suspected or material, was promptly met with a fatal response, creating a habitat of fear and discouraging the subject of accountable leadership altogether. Yes these things may be expected of military governments, but the effect on the barely Nigerian psyche was astounding. Many years down the line, the common man is now less enthused by the Nigerian legal process today (at least as it involves the political class), than ever before.

This situation played out in the years to come and the Nation’s standard of living dropped on every economic index. The political class grew richer, more brazen and adventurous. Stoking the engine of the suya train that kept them running by orchestrating machiavellian schemes of targeted destruction, while privately donating to religious leaders so they may endorse them publicly. The people adapted, constantly guiding, cutting our coat until there was neither cloth nor a healthy body to clothe. Ever more suspicious of a made up threat, severely blind to the fact we’re no longer players in the political scene but tools to be used, abused and discarded till the next election cycle. Served the same old wine over and over again, that we’re either drunk or delusional enough to say it’s different this time.

At this point you’re probably asking, what now? Come on champ, who the hell do you think I am? Fela?? Nah I’m no political guru. These are just my thoughts after a really good read. I cannot preach a remedy I’m not prepared to endure. Unlike Max, I’ll end on a positive note by reminding you that we’re a relatively young nation. In geopolitical years, Nigeria is about pre-teenage and still very emotionally charged. It struggles with identity, undergoes rapid change (positive/negative)in seemingly random areas, is extremely sensitive to ethnic provocation and exploitation by Big Brother. To effect any real, long lasting change we must mature as a people and there’s no easy way around it. Rather than obsessing over things we cannot yet control, we can choose to be happy and help others do the same. The Nigerian reality is infinitely brutal, so feed a person in need, cultivate your interests, appreciate the smell of rain when you can, enjoy the spoils of our creative economy and the company of family.

We can roll our boulder upwards, happy to learn as much of the boulder as ourselves, answering questions of who we are and what we stand for. Or we can bitch about it 247, like Sisyphus we’re rolling that fucking boulder regardless and we’ll probably watch it tumble down a couple times until we realise that boulder, hill, man and the gods that cursed him are one and the same, we have absolutely no choice in the matter.

… In retrospect, the leap from critic to budhist monk might seem insane… but without a truly cohesive national identity and a sense of urgency to follow, its the ONLY option we have. The other side of this coin is the more radical option, one we are no strangrs to. We’ve tried it many times, and failed many times. So rather than throw our lives away like cannon fodder, find a reason to smile, however mundane or delusional it might be. At some point the circumstances will be just right for the cosmic finger of change to stir something within the collective Nigerian populace. Until then just try guide. For yourself, and your loved ones.